It is true that the presence, or absence, of a father can either catalyze, or marginalize, one’s life. Moreover, it is true that there’s a big difference between being a Dad, versus being a father. Daddy Issues…The Real Truth. You see it’s very easy to get caught up in the myths that culture and society commonly associate with fathership, but the question is how does predestination, and determinism influence, or should I say distort this myth. Put another way, are we confusing procreation with patriarchy? With that as a precedent, there’s definitely more here than meets the eye. Predestination plays the dominate role in fathership.
As an adopted child, I have a view of “Fatherhood” that many don’t. That view spotlights the issue of predestination versus determinism. It is my opinion predestination has much more to do with the presence, or absence, of one’s father in one’s life than does a mans will, or desire to be present in the life of their child, or children. I believe this to the extent that it even trumps the nature of the relationship that the father has with the mother of the child, or children.
My life, as well as the lives of many others, confirm Divine Forces play a for more significant role in determining the true nature of our relationship with our biological fathers. This is far more prevalent than society leads us to believe. I would even dare to suggest like the Hercules myth, divine forces chose who’d be allowed to undertake the “role of father” in our lives. For those of us who were fatherless, or provided with a surrogate father, in many instances we are far more fortunate than those who were under the same roof with our biological sperm donor. Moreover, those of who’s biological fathers’ were present had less than a 50/50 shot of that relationship proving to be beneficial. i.e. taking into account physical and psychological abuse and molestation
During the course of my life, like most people, I had many father figures, but truth be told, I only had one Daddy – Cicero Young Jr. As fate would have it, when it was time, a time which was definitely not of my choosing, God removed his physical presence from me, leaving me orphaned once again, at the age of 23. Though, while he lived, I had an awesome role model for a dad, when it came to me being a father, I both hit and missed. For everything I did right, there was an equal amount that I did wrong. Not that I didn’t have the best of intentions, but to put it mildly, “Life Happened.” Things beyond my control. Things that I couldn’t do a damn thing about.
Since that time, I’ve been every type of father one could imagine. Ive been an outstanding father, a good Daddy, a Dead Beat Dad, a not by choice absentee father, as well as a guy that fathered children whom I wondered if they were even mine. Now mind you, I am the average guy. I’m a decent man with a good heart. But, like your father, I’m far from perfect and in my youth, I’ve made some very regrettable decisions. I’ve always had it in my mind and heart to do the right thing. Especially as it relates to children, but seldom did my realities afford me the opportunity to cater to my desires. Which leads me back to the point of this article, Daddy Issues…The Real Truth, I yet have both questions, and answers, about what is a real father is supposed to look like. And if you’d be honest, so do you.
In this brief narrative I have three goals:
- I want to talk about predestination.
- I want to talk about genetics.
- I want to talk about presence.
- I want to talk about Divine Intervention.
It is my desire that this anecdotal testament dispenses some relief to many of your unanswered questions about your relationship with your father while providing some enlightenment as to the purpose of the true role which a father plays in your life. Nonetheless, it is my opinion that your fraternal needs are connected to your destiny; inasmuch, how your fraternal needs are administered, and by whom, is very connected to the underpinnings of your existence. Put another way, your personal relationship with your biological father has little, if anything, to do with the man, or men, who have, who are, and who will influence the person you’re fashioned to be.
Daddy Issues…The Real Truth
I’d like to begin by stating that during the course of your life you will have many father figures, many of which will NOT be related to you biologically. More over, for those of us who have Daddy Issues we need to know The Real Truth about why our relationship with our Father is, by design, the way it is. I’m going to take the liberty to go out on a limb assert that Your Creator knows what’s good for you. His thoughts are not your thoughts, nor His ways your ways. Furthermore, I firmly believe that the person who’s genetic blueprint you inherited serves a physiological purpose. For whatever reason, there was something in your biological fathers DNA that needed to be incorporated in your make up. Likewise, on the nurture side of things God chose the most suitable individual(s) to pour into your life Spiritually, cognitively and behaviorally. Which, by the way, none of those things were intended to be bequeathed to you via genetics or biology.
Using myself as an example: When I was conceived my biological mother was separated, and in the process of getting a divorce. At tender age of eleven months old, my birth mother took me to visit her Great Aunt and Uncle who suggested that they take custody of me. By age five or six, her daughter and (new husband) Cicero suggested they take custody of me and rear me as their child. Now as shuffled around as that sounds, it was anything but. I KNOW for a fact that Divine Intervention was involved in each displacement, every uprooting and each subsequent resettlement. In other words, God knew what I needed, when I needed it, and who was best suited to meet my needs at the different stages of my physical, mental, emotional and psychological development.
Nonetheless, like many of you, I spent too many years of my life feeling some kind of way. My feelings vacillated from being oblivious to my circumstances, to questioning why my Dad was so much older than the fathers of my peers, to being down right pissed at him because I thought my Father was so out of touch with the times, and certainly out of touch with my generation. But, as with most things, hindsight provided me with 20/20 vision about my Daddy Issues. I can see clearly now that God knew what was best for me. I’m saying that to say this. Stop tripping with your Father. Give the man a break. If he was meant to be in your life, he would have. But The Universe had another plan for him, and for you. If you’re biological father was screwed up in the head, there was a reason you were, or were not, exposed to it. There was a reason you were, or were not, allowed to witness his behavior up close. Now that you’re old enough to seek understanding about your father, do exactly that – seek to understand him. You may learn something. You may learn something that will be a blessing to you both. Lastly, if you what to change the reality of your relationship with your father, begin with being willing and receptive to changing your perception of your relationship. After all, your reality is shaped by your perception. If you truly desire that the things about your relationship with your father change, change the way you look at your father.
by Relationship Expert & Master Certified Coach