Real Relationship Advice by Dr. D Ivan Young
At best, most relationships are complicated, and that’s putting it mildly. Too often, couples therapy is ineffective, anger management comes to little to late and cognitive behavioral therapy does little if any good. This is especially true when the other person you’re involved with is a damn fool. Be you a single mom, or you’re using some pricey dating site. Self aware, self actualized, sane people are hard to find. It doesn’t matter which dating site you use, unless you’re properly positioned, IT WON”T WORK! I don’t care if it’s EHarmony, Match, Zoosk or Farmers Only.com, there are simply no guarantees when it comes to finding real authentic love. Consider this, how can you find love if your search starts in all the wrong places. Hint – there’s a reason for it.
When you don’t want to be alone with you why in the hell would anybody else. Stop wasting your, and other folks time. Before you even consider anyone involving someone else, get to know yourself first. The number one reason most relationships fail is not because people don’t start out the with good intentions, or that the two lovebirds aren’t sincerely attracted to each other. The reason most relationships fail is because both parties haven’t worked out their own issues prior to starting the relationship. Making matters worse, most “so-called” marriage counselors and psychologist are so out of touch with the realities of today’s dating scene that they can’t help themselves let alone someone else.
if you haven’t taken the time to get in touch with whom you really are, at best you will end up in a mutually dysfunctional co-dependent relationship. Understanding who you are, and why you are the way you are is crucial. Until you do that all of the psychotherapy and marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. The lyrics from the old R & B song, Love Don’t Love Nobody, has never packed such a punch as the one it packs today. Doesn’t it only make sense that before you start a relationship with someone else you undertake the process of completely, and thoroughly, explore yourself.
Relationship Advice by Dr. D Ivan Young
In my coaching practice I require my clients to do a family history assessment early on. I’m not talking about who’s in the house now, nor am I talking about my client’s parents. I have them dig much deeper than that. We leave no stone unturned. We delve into the live’s of both the fraternal and maternal great grand parents. That’s right, their effect on the people who influenced your parents, your grandparents, have more to do with how your parents influenced you than you think. Furthermore, the nurture vs. nature component cannot be dismissed either. Everything from birth order, cultural norms, race, socio economic conditions along with personal beliefs and biases played a significant role in formulating your values, behavior and your personality. Put mildly, there’s much more to you than not getting enough hugs from your Mother. Then are other factors too, such as your innate personality type and communication styles. All of which create blind spots in how you perceive others, let alone how they perceive you too.
It’s no wonder, now more than ever, why people have such a difficult time making real authentic connections with other people. Complicating matters is passive aggressive effects of social and cultural influences such as the media, movies, music and your know-it-all hypocritical friends. Just the thought of that amalgamation could send the most sane of people straight to grief counseling. But there’s yet hope, there is a way to use all of the aforementioned to your advantage. Now is the time to take what could continue cursing you and use those exact same things to give you clarity, and a shot at real authentic love. Clarity will empower you to make better choices. Understanding and getting to know you, and where you came from is a game changer. Examining the broken places in the lives of your great grand parents, and your grand parents and your primary care givers give you the power to change how you see and interact with other people. Some of the BS they poured into you was just that, B** S***. Many of the biases, skewed values, and jacked up beliefs you have aren’t even yours. Moreover, now you’re old enough to question those out dated beliefs about race, gender, religion and nationality. And especially those beliefs about how you see yourself and others. Take a moment to explore how you’ve incorporated that foolishness in your current modus operandi and make the appropriate changes. As you take responsibility for how stinking thinking has hindered you in finding a mate, you will attract like minded people to you. Consider this, if i’d only been more open minded what would my life look like right now.
The beauty of making mistakes is you can learn better ways to perceive things. There’s an old adage which states, “Reality is Perception.” It is my opinion when you change your perceptions you immediately change your realities. Life is too short and death is too long to continue missing out on what life has to offer. If you desire a good relationship with anyone else, it begins with understanding and correcting yourself first. Now that you know better, do better.
by Relationship Expert Dr. D Ivan Young
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